The Men Rules

In reply to my house rules (see facebook), I was sent a list of male house rules for women, just to show me how I should proceed and anticipate in case I should meet and interact with a man somewhere along my path. (This case is just theoretical, of course). As nice as I am, I promised to post this list as well, so there would be some equality of house rules.

Well here we go.
Oh, and please do not mind my totally inept and unnecessary comments along the line…

Men rules for women.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
I knew that one. Men hardly read anything at all. They merely look at pictures, as far as I know.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Fact is, WE do not pee all over the toilet. If you pee, the thing is sprayed all over with urine and not very attractive for us to handle in the first place. So if you need it up, DO IT YOURSELF!!! That’s what men are all about anyway, not?
1. Crying is blackmail.
So?? Crying is still a legitimate body function, isn’t it?
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Just saying it doesn’t work either. Can you please clean the toilet? Could you please do the dishes? Can you hang out the laundry to dry? Rather clear questions they seem but hardly a single man seems to understand them. Not even “could you please just LEAVE???” works. What else should we do to make you men move it???
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Yes. I agree. What’s the point of pointing that out?
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Agree again. If I have a problem with my car, it will most likely be solved by a male person when I ask (and pay) for it. Most other non-practical problems seem to stem from men-issues anyway, so what’s the point in asking you to solve yourself? We’re not that stupid…
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
Make that 1 day…
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
If you think you’re drunk, you probably are. Don’t drive anymore, you moron. And don’t ask us to come and pick you up either.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
That’s a good one. In fact, I like this rule.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
It’s no use anyway. Once male, the curve of learning capacities deminishes rapidly.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials…
Why not marry the TV to start with?? It gives you all you need: entertainment, sex, joy, sports and even a remote control to chew on… But please: don’t pee on the thing. TVs are generally not into golden showers.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
… and HE ended up in America instead of India, didn’t he?
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Neither do we… But we still know what a red traffic light is, you think it’s all green…
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
Ah, those dogs are all the same… Oh, and if it itches that much, you should shower more often.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
OK. Deal. From now on the answer to this question is no longer “nothing”: it’s “you”. YOU are always wrong. And why asking what’s wrong in the first place if you don’t want to know the answer anyway??
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
Well, we just cleared that one up… you men do exactly the same. See the rule no. 1 above this one.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Great. Now where are my crocs…
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports. You have enough clothes.
As if we ever assumed there was anything else you were able to think about at all. Oh wait… there was something starting with an ‘s’ and ending on ‘ex’… (how appropriate, that ending…) If we ask you what you are thinking about, we meant to ask ‘which game’ or ‘what run’ or ‘whatever pole position’ you were thinking about (speaking of poles…), wasn’t that clear enough?
1. You have too many shoes.
No, I don’t. Still looking for my pair of crocs, as a matter of fact. And no is a perfecty legitimate answer, we just learned.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Pear is a shape too. And a color, by the way.
1. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
I’ll put the couch in the tent in the garden next time. Everything for your comfort and good feeling, my dear…